Why We're Not Screen-Free :: 10 Ways to Find Balance

It's screen-free week this week. Inspired by a recent viral video entitled "Look Up", many of the people I normally chat with in online places are off spending time doing other things. Maybe they're playing with their kids or getting outdoors or working harder… Maybe they're cleaning their homes or baking bread or meditating at the bus stop. I'll never know, because they're not instagramming it.

On Sunday night, just after I'd shared a little note about Screen-free week on the Spiral Garden Facebook page, Huz announced that he might give it a go. We told the owlets that screen-free week was coming and asked if them if they felt like participating and they scrunched up their noses and said "Why?"



You see, after many years of thinking and battling and wafting and waning between lots of screen time and very little, we've found a happy balance. We don't always use screens in moderation. Sometimes we use them constantly. Sometimes very little. We use them when and how we need and want to, in a way that suits our family. By some families' standards it is a lot. By other families' standards it is not much at all.



What we've found is that life is too full to sit in front of a screen all day. Sometimes just hanging around daydreaming is more fun. We've also found that there's too much great stuff, accessible to us via screens, to eliminate them completely. Even for a week. We live in a time where information, entertainment and social interaction are freely available and immediate. How lucky are we?! Living in this time means our way of life, and especially home education, is so much easier. No opportunity to learn or question or read or find out is ever missed. We can all learn so much faster! We can spend time on creative work and receive feedback for that work almost instantly! We can even sell that work right now if we like. We can find a recipe or figure out what plants to put in the ground right now, standing in the garden. We can find out the weather report or connect with friends in an instant. How great is that?!

The time I've spent on screens has introduced me to communities of supportive people and like-minded souls who I wouldn't have met otherwise. We have friends we spend time with each week, all of whom we met online first. Huz and I have goddaughters because of screens! My world is smaller, less isolated and certainly enriched because of them.



Our owlets each have access to screens and, while we do recommend, for a portion of most days, that we move our bodies and use our brains for things like daydreaming or creating, they spend lots of time using screens. I wouldn't say that our connection suffers because of this. Usually we will spend time watching or playing with them. We share information about things we read or saw or heard or played and we operate as guides for this screen-filled world. We'll go on bush walks and pause to photograph the wonderment there. Even Tiny collects pictures for her screen. And when we go back home, we talk about the time we've had and what we've seen. Connection is not a thing we lack.

Our owlets play! All day! They've not forgotten the skill. It is their most-used learning tool. They get outside. They make mess. And with the benefit of an institution-free life, they have the freedom to devote a large chunk of the day to it.

Nostalgia plays a big part in our feeling that screens are a bad thing, I suspect. Remembering childhood in a time before i-Devices and Minecraft, if we really hearken our minds back to childhood, for many of us, screens were part of the picture. Cosy afternoons by the fire, watching the Goodies, Danger Mouse or Inspector Gadget still define wintry childhood evenings for me. School holidays playing Alex Kidd or Wonderboy 3 on my sister's SEGA Master System were fun for a while… My childhood was not destroyed.

I think we forget that technology has been around in one form or other for a very long time. And before that there were books… As the Louisa May Alcott quote goes "She is too fond of books, and it has addled her brain…" We've been having this discussion with ourselves for a long time.

Had I lived in our nest in the late 1950's, as the previous owners did, I'd have spent my days cleaning and cooking. I'd fill all the little kitchen cupboards with preserves and Huz would mow the lawn all day Saturday. Perhaps the owlets might play chess or play with the tin soldiers or marbles we've dug up in the backyard. We'd likely listen to music on our record player and sit around the television in the evening. Not that much has changed.

If anything, we have built a life here with more opportunity. We spend less time mowing. And cleaning. And we ditched the television in favour of choosing our own ad-free viewing online. And thanks to screens, I'm able to run a business from home and find information to help the owlets learn what they need so they don't have to go to the local school. We've shifted priorities.

Empty playgrounds have more to do with how busy we have made our lives. We fill our days with school and work and after school activities and there is just no time to stop and play. We focus on work and being busy all the time  -  so much so that we've forgotten how to wind down. We're exhausted and brain drained from being in an office/school room all day. We feel like being quiet… and there's this phone in our hands that will help us be quiet while still being busy and connected to others… Are screens the issue? No. We are.

For most of us, screens are not something we need to free ourselves from. They're something we need to learn to use in balance, if we choose to. It's all about making healthy and happy choices and using screens mindfully. Here are our top tips for finding balance in your nest:

1. Daydream. Reserve a portion of the day for play and a big portion for daydreaming. Be comfortable doing nothing for a little bit. Get a good night's sleep if you can.

2. Play/watch/work on a screen only when you want/need to. Do it when it's fun! Don't do it because there's nothing else or because you are bored. Boredom inspires creativity. Use it.

3. Lighten Up. Have fun with your time online and on screens. Screens don't hold or restrict your freedom in any way. Using/watching/accessing screens doesn't make you a bad person/parent. They are just a tool. Let go of the guilt and enjoy. 

4. Choose what you watch and access on screens. Look for new and creative ideas and ways of thinking and using screens. Enjoy them! Cut out as much advertising as you can. Don't just accept what the mainstream media chooses to expose you to. Seek your own answers to your own questions. Create your own lens for the world and share it.

5. Connect with like minded community online. If they live near to you, organise to spend time with them in person, regularly. Pick that thing that you all share in common and make it about that. You might be surprised to find what else you have in common.

6. Engage with people but don't get embroiled in online arguments with those whose views are hugely different from yours, trying to convince them of your point of view. They will never come to agree with you and you could both do without the anger, upset and waste of hours of your life. Agree to disagree and move on. 

7. Talk with your owlets about what they are watching/playing. Show interest. Get involved. Share your interests and enthusiasm too. There's a lot of great stuff out there to explore. Do it together and share the love and excitement where you can.

8. Remind each other not to get stuck for too long. Listen to your body and each others' needs. Move your body. Go outside. Shake things up. Point out great things going on around you, like sunrises and sunny days, and share them together. Become observers. Instagram/blog it if it helps!

9. Do all the things! Provide lots of real life distractions in your life that bring you joy. Get out fun things to do - together or on your own. Read a book, grow your own food, paint something... Get a hobby! Make a list (or a Pinterest board) of things you are bursting to do and do them! 

10. Abundance. Create a life that is so full and exciting and love-filled that you don't have time to fill the gaps with a screen. Life is too short to spend it worried about all the things you should go without. Fill it with what you love and make it varied and fun!

xx

PS. Huz decided not to go screen-free after all… It's also International Composting Week so we're focussing on that ;)

Variations on a theme...

We learnt a whole lot last year. Not just about the world outside our little nest, but about the world inside it. As our owlets get older and reach for more independence, we learn and shift. Like how we play musical beds all the time. We meet their (and our) needs.

Last year we explored letting go all over again. Owlets spent days upon days at play, making new friends and strengthening old friendships. It was a wonderful life-learning experience. Most of it happened online. We thought we'd see how long it'd last... Minecraftschooling. How long they'd want to keep playing/watching all day (and I mean ALL day). They went hard. They learnt to touch-type and play online parkour. They figured out some tough mathematical puzzles and negotiated friendships. Oh, they learnt. They learnt lots. And we were always around to guide them (we learnt lots too). It was great! They didn't want to do anything else in their waking hours.



But underneath it all there was this strange, underlying... boredom. Our owlets seemed to be waiting for something. And yet not. If we were out, they'd count down until they could get back to playing and rage if it felt like too long. We'd suggest going out or trying something new... a craft activity or baking or an outing... anything... and it was met by this overwhelming sense of *meh*. They were grumpy lots. They didn't know what they could do without some direction or entertainment. Unless they were online. They were bored, but it was an unsettling kind of boredom. And despite one out of the three owlets being able to self-regulate, even she was caught up in it. It was almost dependency. It was all a bit much.

They'd forgotten how to daydream. 

This worried us. Daydreaming and boredom are big friends of creativity, in our book. Boredom isn't something to be afraid of usually. It pushes you to be creative. To be perfectly honest, we adults fill quiet moments with screens too. We work online. We organise social outings online. There's no time to be bored or daydream. No time to be quiet. Always, always busy.



We had a family chat about all the things we hoped to do this year. It wandered into what we'd like to do in years to come. Hopes and dreams and all that stuff you talk about as a new year approaches.

Big Owlet wants to be an artist. Little Owlet wants to cook. Tiny Owlet wants to be a tiger. And so we talked about how they are and can be all those things NOW. That they can work at them and master them and perhaps do them for a living (tiger may be tricky), but they have to DO them. We pointed out that right now, at that moment,  they were skilled online gamers, which is totally cool if that's what they want to be, but they seemed bored with it. Like it was their job. Not their passion. Turns out we were right.



They needed balance, just as we do. And they just weren't equipped to find it on their own yet. They were ready for a push. Big Owlet was ready for a challenge. She identified gaps she found and didn't know how to go about filling. From birth, this owlet has adored routine. She loves the comfort of order and a programme. Which is, I suspect, why screens appeal so much.



If you were to label it, we'd probably have one sort-of-waldorfy-homeschooler, one unschooler and one radical-or-bust unschooler. But we don't have to label it because it is what it is. And how it looks now will most likely look different next month. I'm being a bit careful about the words we use to describe what we do these days. And I'm ignoring the voices out there who try to package it and tell me how it should look. Labels are unhelpful other than to help identify a tribe. And, wonderfully, thankfully, we have found it.

So we're working with variations on a theme. We're life learning, living and loving. And doing what we want and need for now. Looking out for each other so there's time for all the good stuff. So far, so good.

Today and tomorrow...

Today was one of those special kind of good days... There was a certain calm that I haven't felt in a long time... even though I was outnumbered three owlets to one, today we found balance. And it was good. I'm recounting it so I can work out how to make that happen always.

I woke after not much sleep, feeling awful, and cancelled all plans for a stay at home day. Owlets happily obliged and we went about making breakfast. We ate at the table this morning - perhaps that was it? The bigger owlets then moved onto their morning work - animal husbandry, followed by scaling the dizzy heights of mount foldmore. Then they began the formal part of their day - Minecraft.

Tiny and I pottered, washing and tidying... The house was pretty clean to begin with (that might have been it), as it is in our always-decluttering home... Tiny forgot the screens (ooh, maybe it was that?), and I remembered the bigger owlets' toddler days with fondness as we pottered and chatted together... Then we nibbled on our morning tea platter made from what was left in our empty fridge... And then  Tiny napped.



Big Owlet and I figured out some Big and Important Minecraft Stuff, while Little Owlet asked me how to spell every word that came to mind... I sewed two stitches and finished one hair clip for an order I'm working on. And I had a cup of tea - sign of a good day right there.



Tiny woke, played with playdough, painted nude, bathed (as one does immediately after painting)... and we spent the afternoon trampolining, then lolling, reading and boobing and waiting for Huz to come home.




There were tears and bruises and bumps today. There was frustration and tiredness. But today I remembered to respond with empathy. I remembered to keep communication open and flowing. I remembered to slow down. And wait. And hug them all. To give them my time, and take some for me (just a snippet). And to just enjoy it for what it was... Yes, that was it.

How have your days been lately? 
Do you manage many home days?
Do you like to slow down? 

Here's to a peaceful Friday. xx

unschool monday :: holidaying

So the year is well and truly in full swing and today school went back for many of our friends... Some went excitedly for the first time. The owlets felt a slight sadness that their friends were moving on from what, to them, is normal life. Long holiday days where so much is crammed in that a tiny snippet is a blog post in itself, even if the rest of it was spent, seemingly, lounging in the garden...

When Big Owlet is asked if she's excited to return to school, her line is "I don't do school. Everyday is holidays". She means it. She understands the freedom and space this lifestyle affords her, and how fortunate it is for us that it works for our family. Most of the time. Conversely, I suppose, it is never holidays here (some days it feels like it) - ha!

Right now, the owlets find it hard to understand why anyone would choose differently. When you live as if school isn't a thing, it's a bit of a shock to see the girl across the road thinking it is... however they whole heartedly feel excited for their friends embarking on new adventures and they can't wait to hear all about them.

We're eternally grateful that we live in a place where our choice to live and learn as we please is supported and encouraged and that there are enough options to support almost any lifestyle and any family. School, or unschool, or anywhere in between, we have choices and support for what works best. We're pretty blessed.

So on this "first day back", in lieu of a "first day" picture (because I neglected to take one as we headed of to homeschool gym), here's a snippet and a catch-up of what we've been doing while everyone's been on holidays... much the same as school holidayers, I expect. Nothing amazingly special. Just everyday magical moments of learning and living and life that will continue in the months to come, as they do for every family... Like turning "lets move the furniture around" into an architectural design project...



Or when Tiny Owlet wanting to paint in the garden became an afternoon of plein air painting for all.



Little Owlet discovered her inner fashion designer...



And spontaneous dance parties happened on a regular basis.



Tiny discovered crayon rocks "treasure" as a form of mathematical learning...



There was playing...



And playing...



And playing...



We all got an i-thing, thanks to the school kids bonus, meaning there are now multiplayer games happening all over the nest and Big Owlet is improving her communication and photography skills via iMessage and instagram*.



And we discovered Tiny's fearlessness anew, on the big slide, as she hurtled down it face first, in the same way she approaches everything. With gusto. Safe in the knowledge she is supported by us and her adoring sisters.



And this afternoon's late-afternoon paddle at the beach, as we attempt to stretch this summer as far as it will go...

It's going to continue to be another brilliant, lovely, exciting and wonderful year of living and learning at ours.

Wishing you all the best for your year. I bet it'll be marvellous! xx

If you'd feel inspired to join in with Unschool Monday, or maybe share a pic of your back to school owlet, please pop a link in the comments below. 


*If you're on instagram, Big Owlet is @treehouseme. Go follow her. She'll be chuffed. xx

unschool monday :: rules and regulations

Did you have a chance to read Shae's post last week? I hope you did. It sums up where I'm sitting with unschooling right now. I've been here a while actually. Since I had a break from Unschool Mondays and felt like letting go of the labels. Within the unschooling community there is certainly a drive towards letting go and embracing radical unschooling philosophy. As if we are all at different stages on a journey to that destination. Towards supporting and going with your child's needs and towards removing all regulations and restrictions from your child's existence. Life without limits. Essentially, you are treating with the respect you bestow upon other individuals and you are going with their flow. In theory it's fantastic. In theory I agree with it. In theory it may be an approach that suits the average unschooling family. But what if it doesn't?

I live with two individuals who, for their whole lives, have been unable to self regulate one particular thing. For Huz, it's sugar. Try as he likes, he cannot, for the life of him, self regulate it. If sugar (particularly chocolate) is on the menu, he will always go for that first. He will eat vast quantities of it and still not be satiated. Even if he feels unwell for it later. If he allows himself to eat one tiny bit, he may as well eat all the sugar, right? Try as he might, making sugar legal just doesn't work and rather than self-regulation, he has enforced self-restrictiction, accepting that life without refined sugar is healthier for him and better in the long run. He needs a bit of help to stay on the right track, a nudge toward healthy alternatives, but otherwise self restriction is working well. He's healthier and happier now.

Big Owlet is my other one who has always struggled with self regulation. I've documented well our ups and downs with her attraction to the screen. If you've been reading here a while, you'd have seen us waft and wane between lifting and placing restrictions and regulations on screen use... We've talked and thrashed it out over and over. We've sat and listened and watched and waited. We've lived with lots of screens and only a few and right now, we seem of have found something that works. Rather than lifting restrictions, rather than providing a life without limits, here we are firmly setting them. And we have a much more happy household for it.

Big Owlet could watch all day. Everyday. We can walk into a shop and if there's a screen there, the world stops. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. Sometimes it's not such a bad thing. She absorbs a huge amount of information. She can remember facts about animals that I've barely heard of, just from watching documentaries. She's found a happy, constructive and creative social world on Minecraft and manages to tick several of the education department's boxes at the same time. Theoretically it's brought her a lot of great things. But what it also does is disconnect her from her body. She has forgotten to listen to herself more times than I can count. She has forgotten to eat and sleep and sometimes toilet. She emerges from her time on the screen angry, aggressive, unhappy. Her body stiffens and she is difficult and moody. Dark circles appear around her eyes and she loses her spark. It's the first thing she thinks of and the last thing at night. She loses big chunks of time, and it affects all of us.

So a couple of weeks ago, we sat down, as a family, and talked about regulation. About self regulation and the type of regulations that are imposed on you. Big Owlet could see how that many hours at a screen were making her feel. She didn't like it, but she couldn't stop. She was frightened. So she asked for help. We bought a little timer and set a framework and away they went. One hour per day for play. One hour for watching. Then the computer goes off. If it doesn't and Big Owlet requests extra time, it is often given, but we'll remind her when it's time to move on. And so she happily hops off again and moves on with her day. And our house has found harmony again, thanks to a kitchen timer.

For Little Owlet and Tiny, I can see that  life without limits works. Remove restrictions and they self regulate beautifully. They have done since birth. But for Big Owlet, and Huz, it's different. They need support and a framework. They need guidelines and even rules and within that they find what works for them. When they allow themselves to stray too much, they fall right off the wagon.

I can hear the advice on the radical unschooling forums drumming loudly in my ears. We need to let go of our expectations, we need to let go, shift our perceptions... We're doing it wrong... This is our Waldorfy leanings talking... We need to deschool some more... We are seeing her passion as obsession... But I can also hear the sound of a child in turmoil, who feels helpless. Who needs (pleads for) her parents to set clear boundaries for her and show her the way forward. This time, she wants us to tell her what to do. Sometimes embracing or children's freedom and autonomy and true selves can lead us to places we didn't expect to go. Sometimes it can steer you away from popular thinking, or even towards the mainstream. And to truly embrace it, you have to go with it. There is no rule book.

So, here I sit, like Shae, unsure of what to call this type of life and learning journey we have chosen. I'm sticking with Unschooling and I'm happy with it as it stands. I firmly believe there is no right or wrong, or more enlightened, way to do it and that we are not on a journey to becoming better at it. We are living it right now with our individual families and there is no advice to give, other than to follow our hearts and listen and learn together with love.